Spam Poetry
Storyscape Editors

When you run a website, you get a lot of spam. Spam is irritating and baffling. You can’t help but wonder: who are these people and why are they bothering me? But over time we started noticing more interesting things about the spam: the subject headings seemed wildly discordant with the information contained in the emails themselves. Of course, we know—it’s supposed to entice you to open the email. But if you scan through a slew of spam all at once, you’ll notice that there’s something human in those subject headings, and it’s precisely that human-ness that’s discordant. Imagine a small dank underground factory of people lined up by computers pumping out pre-scripted emails about watches and international bank wire transfers. They look at the clock, consider the long minutes until their lunch breaks, and then carefully type in a subject heading they feel certain will grab the reader. Some of the spam subject headings seemed strangely poetic to us, like this one: “As cool as the other side of the pillow.” Who wrote that, and why? It’s true, you know, the other side of the pillow does always seem cooler on a hot summer night. And what if “nice to meet you is all about me?” Is it? Maybe it is! Could these spam demons have secret poetic musings that come out in unexpected moments during the drudgery of their jobs? There’s a story here, certainly. What follows is a poem crafted by Storyscape editors entirely from our spam subject headings.


As long as it stays unsaid

Give your wang more meat!
Your weekend will not be good
without good nights.
Is your skills about to expired?
As long as it stays unsaid.

Salut bien aimee!
Obstacles will look pathetic—
Bling on your wrist says it all: the truth about 9 inches.
Check how far her dark grotto goes,
if you can read it.

Nice to meet you is all about me
(and Christian debt relief.)

Small magic things to enhance your relations:
     You should not refuse beer if you love it!
     Male Toy longer than an arm!
     Turn a small knob into a huge wand!
     You can enjoy beer and look good as well:
     as cool as the other side of the pillow.

As long as it stays unsaid.